Miracles keep on happening!

By realizing that I was angry because of my father and my best childhood's friend's death... I came last night to realize...who was the murdered according to my ego!

The murderer was God! Same murderer that killed his own son! How can  I trust this being?? How can I expect such a god to love me or take care of me? Or my children!

I have spent my life as a hostage of a small, vengative and violent god! And as a hostage I ended up serving him, in the middle of hate and fear! As a slave of a cruel master... Pretending to love him, pretending I felt loved... Getting the crums from his table and pretending to be thankful for them!

But really.. what there was inside of me, was so much anger, so much fear, so much hate!

I can see clearly now... I was seeing a god I created.. and I was seeing all his effects, all his painful, sick effects...

I have to realize now... I don't know anything... I'm absolutely clueless...

Now I just want to give up all my judgements... All of them... Judging God has been the worst mistake and has created such a chaos in my life!

Now I'm erasing the board and waiting for Spirit to write in it!

Miracles happen... And change the past! And by changing the past... they just change everything!

All throughout my life I have been so angry! I have been so distrustful! And never knew it! I thought I was joyful and easy, although every now and then I would burst in bad mood swings, or depressed myself in awful ways... I tried to kill myself a couple of times and all throughout life though that death was a great exit to take as soon as I could! I could never have a real relationship of commitment and real intimacy... And I thought I was joyful and easy! ...ha!

Yesterday, after doing ACIM all throughout the year in a very focused way I discovered the core of my anger and my distrust... I discovered why and where it came from!

When I was 5 my father had a stroke and somewhere in my mind my hero was condemned to death, he passed away when I was 15 but my mind was so afraid of this moment that i suffered his death all throughout my childhood.

On top, my best friend (Who was my niece as well) died of leuchemia when I was 9.

Since I was a child life became a hostile and unsecure place... How could I trust God?

Now I know I judged the situations. It is so easy to take the victim's role!

But I want to see this in another way! I really do! I want to love and be loved, and trust and let love in! I really do! I want intimacy and commitment, I want a deep and strong bond in my life, I want roots... It is so hard for me to give myself away!

Holy Spirit i give you this situation! I don't know what to do with it... Take my judgements and my elections and let me see this in another way! I give up all my victim's role, I give up my anger, my fear, my madness. I give up being right!!!!! I want to feel loved! I want to see the truth in this situation! I want to see God and His love in this situation!

Thank you!